We've all been in these situations, right ? Someone makes a rude comment in passing and you just FREEZE ? It's only 10 min later that you can come up with clever retorts and you kick yourself for not having been able to react right there and then.
I joined a group of powerful female coaches last week to discuss the book Unbound by Kasia Urbaniak. It's about taking control of the conversation or situation using the direction of your attention. Just like how a dominatrix has her attention OUT onto her sub. I shared with the group an incident that happened a year after I moved to Holland.  A man fixing something on the street didn't approve where I walked when I tried to get out of his way. He made a snide sarcastic remark - to which I couldn't say anything ! I couldn't say anything because my attention immediately went inside - trying to figure out,  What did he mean ? Would a Dutch person have known to walk somewhere else? But where? How could I have done this differently? All attention gone inside inside inside.

The incident still nips at me but in sharing the story, I realized that I couldn't have acted differently, as much as I would have liked to. You see, no one would make such a remark in Japan. They put safety cones around any construction sites no matter how small. There would be a sign AND there would be a person standing there directing you where to go and apologizing for the inconvenience.

Plus, I was still very raw and vulnerable in my new environment. He may just as well have slapped me across the face. That's what it felt like.

14-years later, I'm not much different in terms of coming up with clever retorts. But what I CAN DO is to practice putting my attention OUT. Kasia Urbaniak calls it Turning the Spotlight. The way to do this is simple. You respond with a question. Why do you want to know ? What makes you think you have the right to say/ask me that ? According to the book, the question you respond with could be as random as "Where did you get that sweater?"  The aim is to turn the spotlight away from you. It takes the pressure off of you and on to the other person.
My kids ask me questions all of the time. Some are real questions that needs real answers but sometimes they are complaints in disguise - "Why is my T-shirt not washed?"  "Why did Dad take the car and we have to ride our bikes?" "Why did the dog poo in the house again ?"   

Let's see how they can train me.  I would be very proud of myself to be empowered this way.

Wishing you all a great rest of the weekend.
Sending loving kindness,

Yukiko